Defining defensiveness

What is defensiveness and why do we get defensive?

Relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman define defensiveness as “denying any accountability or responsibility in a problem”. In the simplest of terms, defensiveness occurs in relationships when someone feels attacked and wants to defend themselves. It happens when we put our metaphorical dukes up and prepare to brawl - even though defensiveness can look and feel like self advocacy, it can also be a way to avoid meaningful communication and healing. 

Attachment theory indicates that threats to our most significant relationships can actually feel like life or death to the nervous system, and because of this, the nervous system has its fight - flight - freeze responses. Maybe from this lens, defensiveness is part of our natural system of self protection when we actually feel scared or threatened. 

So don't be too hard on yourself when you resort back to defensiveness when you're trying not to - truthfully we all have some internal systems that jumpstart our brain to do this (or the other responses) when we feel threatened or triggered. 

In my therapy room over the years, I have also noticed defensiveness arise more when people want to be seen by their partners as good, they want to be liked and loved by their partners, and they want the intentions of their actions to be understood. I can imagine we all want to be seen in positive lights by those we love most! 

Why doesn’t defensiveness work in relationships?

Gottman’s relationship research titled defensiveness as one of the four horsemen - which were the four biggest predictors of break-up and divorce that they found. Defensiveness doesn’t work because it impedes productive communication around hurt, and often leaves the person expressing the hurt feeling shut down after they’ve trusted their partner with vulnerable emotions. If we continually defend ourselves instead of actively listening, we may be shutting down important opportunities to create positive changes for the relationship and help meet our partners needs. Additionally, the more we defend ourselves when partners express hurts or needs, the less likely they will want to come to you with vulnerable emotions again, and this can eventually lead to significant emotional disconnection - which we cannot survive with for long in love relationships, according to Sue Johnson, creator of Emotion Focused Therapy. 

What are different presentations of defensiveness?

Denial - flat out denying something happened or not taking accountability for your role in the conflict or misunderstanding. This could sound like, “it didn’t happen that way”, or “no way”. 

Tit for tat (Gottman) - deflecting responsibility by bringing something up unrelated to the actual issue at hand. This sounds like, “oh don’t even talk to me about the bathroom when you haven’t done laundry in two weeks!” 

Innocent victim (Gottman) - This shuts down the conversation with something like, “I guess I can never please you”, or, “you’re never happy so why bother trying”. 

Overexplaining - insisting on explaining the intention of the state of mind you were in prior to taking accountability for the impact the action had on your partner. 

So why is it so hard to move out of defensive habits?

Those with pre-existing trauma may have had their defense systems serve them at some point in their lives, and it can be hard to let go of habits that intend to practice. Defensiveness does become an automatic habit in communication patterns, and habits take time, consistency, and intentionality to change! 

We all want to feel understood - many people who struggle with defensiveness in communication also just want to be understood. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be seen and understood, but if that plea comes before taking accountability and recognizing impact, it doesn’t tend to land as well. 

We're stuck in the conflict cycle and emotional safety hasn't been re-developed - Sue Johnson’s emotion focused therapy proposes that couples get stuck in interactional cycles when the relationship feels threatened. When a negative cycle has been in motion for long periods, it takes slowly building trust, safety, and new cycles of interaction to move out of protective habits like defensiveness. 

Want to learn more about defensiveness in relationships and how to move out of it?

Wait for more content here on combatting defensiveness in my next post, and check out dreamsofblisstherapy.com to learn more about my therapeutic approaches and how to stay in touch for my practice launch! 

Written by Ashlyn Graff, LMHC

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