Day one Art Challenge: There is Power in Softness
Today kicks off my halloween drawing challenge combined with blog posts on my website! Over 2026 I started using art to process my thoughts and emotions and I'm so excited to combine art with my love of therapy and mental health!
The first theme on the challenge (mabs dralloween club was the challenge I chose on my business instagram) was “moth maiden”. I drew a queen rosy maple moth in front of her castle with soft colors with the statement, “there is power in softness”.
When learning about Emotion Focused Therapy by Sue Johnson, she often used the terms ‘softness’ and ‘softening’ to describe when people let down their self-protective habits to better understand and empathize with one another. Oftentimes when we develop these walls in relationships, it's because those were the behaviors that helped us survive in difficult situations as kids (and maybe they even worked back then!). Examples of protective behaviors may include isolation or avoidance, fighting back or becoming critical, disassociation, or problem solving rather than feeling emotions through.
In the relationship with the self, I've seen many clients do the same things - avoid problems, difficult emotions, or pain, or be overly critical or harsh with themselves. Self compassion and empathy often require this sense of softening - an understanding and caring that you are in pain, and instead of judging it, trying to care for or nurture it.
I describe moments of softening as both literal and figurative - we notice actual softening of harsh facial expressions or body language (arms uncross, eyebrows unfurrow - cues that indicate you are no longer gearing up to fight), and we notice a softer, maybe quieter tone of voice. We may hear statements that do not blame or defend, but simply to share genuine emotions or indicate that, “I hear you and I’m with you” or even a genuine apologetic statement with plans for change if there has been a hurt.
With the self, softening might look like the moment you try to challenge your critical inner voice, “I don’t want to say those things about myself”, or saying things back to that part of you letting it know, “that isn’t a very kind or compassionate way to talk to someone”.
Getting to softening can be HARD. It is not always an automatic switch, and it can take intentional practice and reflection of a view outside your own. Of course if someone comes in and asks you to let go of a protective habit you've used your whole life, you might look at them as if they asked you to live in a house without walls - or something else that would feel very vulnerable. The first instinct is often a physical response that says, “absolutely not”. While that response is trying hard to take care of you, it might be working off an old blueprint without integrating new data - especially for those with a history of trauma.
The first goal in my couples therapy is to create emotional safety to work towards healing the attachment wounds that bring out these protectors (that may no longer be serving you). We do this starting with psychoeducation and exploration of how and why these happen - individual therapy with attachment work is similar, but different depending on the modalities we agree to work with and integrate into your care.
Using our protective habits becomes natural and second nature - there is power in wanting, finding, and practicing softness. The biggest benefits I've noticed when softness is embraced are improved relationships (with the self and others), greater understanding and empathy, better alignment with personal values, improved self esteem and pride in relationships, and less tension and stress in relationships. A fear I often notice is that "if I'm not being harsh I'm not holding them or myself accountable" - however, often softness and empathy for more accountability, just with less of the judgment and shame that can keep us stuck in negative cycles of interaction we get stuck in.
Comments