Day three art challenge: Regulate before you communicate - it is okay to go to bed angry

Have you ever heard the phrase, “don’t go to bed angry”? And then you accidentally turn into this guy below around midnight? (refers to messy werewolf art prompt

), and maybe even say some things in that fight that you regret in the morning? 

Conflict is hard on the nervous system - it often puts us in stances of attack or defend if we get flooded. Flooding is a term from the Gottman Method that describes a state of physiological arousal that directly impacts our ability to remain present in the conversation. This means that to have serious conversations or conflict discussions that are present, mindful, and intentional, we need to be within our window of tolerance - a state of being where we can take in challenging information without shutting down or becoming heightened. 

Some individuals may reach a flooded state faster due to history of trauma or family conflict, past relationships, and other factors. Similarly, some individuals can remain more calm even when topics that distress others arise. Who can regulate more effectively in couples therapy is not a competition, as we all aim to get couples on the same team in my sessions. What is important is that couples can know one another’s triggers or factors that add to dysregulation, and respond to them with empathy, grace, and patience. 

Many couples I have worked with have busy schedules with limited time in the day due to being parents, having 40 hour a week jobs, and dealing with general demands - which leaves night time as the default time to bring up conflict issues. The problem with this is that people are often more tired and drained at night, and if a conversation that starts at 8pm goes until 11pm, then they may get truly exhausted. These challenges may amplify if either person is also hungry, in physical pain, or any other basic human needs are not met. 

This post isn’t necessarily saying, “don’t ever bring issues up at night”, so much as a reminder that it can sometimes be a setup to faster dysregulation, and in turn, not showing up as your best self in that moment (which we generally do not want with the people we love). 

You may benefit from the following ideas or phrases, or something similar:

“Can we check in about how tired we are before we discuss this? I know it’s important to both of us and I want to be present for it”

“Can we check in around if anything else really difficult happened today? I’m wondering if we could have a better conversation about this in the morning?”

“I’m open to discussing this with you, but if it goes past 10pm, can we pause and continue later? I can’t usually think as well late at night and I have a meeting in the morning”. 

“I know I can get more cranky at the end of the day and am already very tired. Can we discuss this tomorrow?”

These are similar but describe similar sentiments - that you are not abandoning the conversation, but are attempting to recognize the impacts that a lack of sleep or energy can have on conflict discussions. The key here is to ensure that the conversation actually does continue at the agreed upon time, otherwise trust might be lost in the conversation actually happening. 

You might even notice that when you try a planned or postponed conversation, you’ve both had some time to intentionally think about what you want to convey, and process some of the more heated emotions so they are not displaced. Effective communication is like stretching a muscle - the more you practice, the easier and more natural it becomes over time. 

Many of these concepts are parts of the “Gottman Methods” tools in managing conflict. For resources, you can check out Gottman’s books, “Fight Right”, “The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work”, and “8 dates for a lifetime of love”. 

If you are interested in scheduling a consultation to learn more about using Gottman Method Therapy with me, email me at ashlyn@dreamsofblisstherapy.com to inquire.