Day two art challenge: Setting boundaries when your energy is drained

Did you know that you can preserve your energy by setting boundaries?

An old coworker once said in a consultation when someone asked a question about boundaries, “ask Ashlyn - she LOVES the B word” - and if the b word in question is boundaries, she was correct, I do love the B word. 

If you follow my business instagram (dreamsofblisstherapy), then you may have seen my blurb on “Dracula - the energy sucking vampire” - now I would never actually call a human being that because it is unkind and doesn't consider the delicate nuances involved in being relational with other people, but hey, for a Halloween art prompt it was a good opportunity to bring up a discussion on boundaries and get people thinking. 

Often times when people think that someone in their life is ‘sucking their energy' they may have not taken time to reflect on how they play into that dynamic as well. Maybe you have friends that vent or talk more than you have space for, a parent that asks too much of you, a very intense coworker, or someone where you leave the interaction with much less energy than where you started. On the flipside, maybe you have specific triggers or nerves that are touched on in these interactions that make them more draining to you specifically, and send you outside of your window of tolerance. And it's okay - it’s okay to get drained and overwhelmed, you are human and you probably have your own worries and stresses that you need to prioritize. 

Some people worry that boundaries are binary or all or nothing - like either that person is in your life or isn't, however, it doesn't have to be that way if you don't want it to. If you love that person and want to keep them in your life for a long time, it's worth considering how to ask for what you need in that relationship in a way that will get you heard before considering ending the relationship completely (unless you want to). 

A starting point might be to reflect on what it is exactly about the interactions with this person that feel draining to you and your energy. When you have specific information first, it's then easier to reflect on what you might want to feel differently.  

You can then start with a request - a request is not the same as a boundary, because it requires mutual respect and a willingness to comply, which some people are ready to do, and some do not want to. Nonetheless, starting with asking for what you want can help you determine if boundary setting is necessary. I recommend looking into Gottman Method's “gentle start up” skill or DBT's “DEAR MAN” skills for help learning to make effective requests that are both kind and direct. 

Ideally you could brainstorm tangible asks that could help you remain in the conversations longer, or kindly communicate when you are starting to feel like you can't remain in the situaion at that moment. The boundary may greatly depend on the context of the situation at hand.

If they choose to follow your requests, then the problem is mostly solved. 

If they do not choose to follow your requests, consider - what about this do I not feel okay with, and what can I (not the other person) do to protect myself from it? 

This might look like changing the subject of conversations you don't want to be in, or saying a direct "I'm not willing to talk about that with you”. It may look like limiting the amount of time you spend with those people, or letting someone know that if they yell at you, you will step away. The bottom line is boundaries are self enforceable (and you often have more choices/options than you think).

I like to operate on the assumption that most people have positive intentions, and when there is a mismatch of ‘what you need and what I have to offer’ - it's just that, a mismatch. If you value a relationship, sometimes the best thing you can do for it is share that you really want to sustain that relationship and not build resentment - and that is truly what boundaries - the B word - are all about. 

If you need help exploring your limits and boundaries in greater depth in therapy, you are welcome to reach out to schedule a free 20 minute consultation to determine if we are a good fit for each other!